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“I have a sense of selfishness about having enough to last
I have a sense of selfishness about being able to pay in cash
I have a sense of selfishness grabbing the last can on the shelf
I have a sense of selfishness, I enjoy being by myself” ~ kcurtiss

It’s 2am, it’s raining, a long, low, loud rumbling of Thunder got me out of bed
To be honest, as I listened to it, I grew alarmed; I’ve never heard anything like it.

I thought:
“Is that thunder, a really low plane, or is that something else, something new, something else to be afraid of?”

I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, suddenly things arn’t so funny.
It was exactly one week ago today, Friday the 13^th 2020 that I first felt that something was going on, I didn’t know what, but I knew it was something.

I embarrassed myself to myself by going to get groceries at 6am, just to “get a few things” thinking the store would be empty, after all, the virus wasn’t here yet.
The store wasn’t empty, but some of the shelves were, mostly toilet paper, tissues, disinfectant wipes, hand sanitizer. I did notice that the stockers were busy and that some of the cheaper meats were gone, but it was early and I blamed it on restocking,
I came home and then wanted to go to the store again, maybe I didn’t have enough of what, I wasn’t sure.
I listened, read a lot about what was happening in other parts of the world, and went to the store again.
I watched videos on YouTube about life in Italy and China, I shouldn’t have, it sent me to the store again.
I checked on my 401k retirement, I shouldn’t have, it stopped me from going to the store again.
I’ve questioned home improvements, already in action. Money might become an issue.
I’ve been calling my family more, wishing we were closer; it’s like 9/11 all over again.
I’ve been disappointed with the hoarders, but then looked at my pantry and wondered if I’m part of the problem.

It feels like just one week ago, I was watching a bad scary movie and then suddenly, I’m in one. It’s surreal, the closing of some businesses, while others stay open. The constant hand washing, social distancing, the wanting to do something more than I know how to do, to make things better, to be part of the solution to a problem that’s invisible. It’s like the boogie man has come to town, it’s like looking out the window for Jason from Friday the 13th. It’s like shadow boxing with The Invisible Man, out on the ocean with Jaws somewhere below, ya know it’s there, but where?

I feel a desire to write, to simply sit and write, it’s what I do when I don’t know what to do, a therapy, a blessing.

I’m going to go sit on my porch and watch the leaves dance in the trees as the rain continues to wash the earth. Hoping for a beautiful sunrise, for a day of good news for you, for me, for us each and everyone.

Please comment and connect, I’d love to hear how you’re doing.

Today’s Musing: “As the earth finally takes a breath, victims of the virus are struggling for one” ~ Katrina Curtiss #girlwithguitar